Wednesday
Saturday
Questions Answered.......
I KNOW A LOT OF YOU HAVE NOT ONLY BEEN WONDERING WHERE I HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST FEW MONTHS BUT HAVE ALSO BEEN WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN RONDA (RONRON) AND I......
WELL, TO BE HONEST, UNTIL RECENTLY I WASN'T EXACTLY SURE WHERE HER ANGER HAD ORIGINATED FROM, YOU KNOW, THE REAL REASON THAT THIS WHOLE TERRIBLE SITUATION BEGAN......NOW I KNOW, IN GRUESOME DETAIL, THAT OF COURSE I WILL SHARE, SO THOSE OF YOU WITH WEAK STOMACHS MIGHT WANT TO STOP READING HERE AND JUST KNOW THAT AT ONE TIME I CONSIDERED HER MY BEST FRIEND AND LOVED HER LIKE A SISTER, I LOVED HANGING OUT WITH HER AND SHE HELPED US TO LAUGH THROUGH THE TOUGHEST TIME OF OUR LIVES, UNTIL SHE MADE IT WORSE THAT IS....AND PLEASE BELIEVE THAT I MISS MY FRIEND, WITH ALL MY HEART AND WOULD LOVE TO MEND THE BRIDGE OF THE LAST FEW YEARS, BUT IT ISN'T IN MY HANDS, I'VE TRIED, MOM HAS TRIED, ALL OUR FRIENDS HAVE TRIED, EVEN THE SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT HAS TRIED.....SHE DOESN'T WANT TO PUT THE PAST BEHIND HER AND LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE OF LOVING OUR FELLOW HUMANS FOR ALL THE GOOD AND BAD THAT LIES WITHIN US ALL. AND FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT ARE WILLING TO READ ON, YOU WILL SEE THAT I WAS NEVER THE ONE THAT STARTED THIS, THAT I DO HAVE A TEMPER UNFORTUNATELY, & I HAVE NO 'DIPLOMACY' FILTER ON MY MOUTH.
HERE'S SOME BACK HISTORY:
IN SEPTEMBER OF 2004 MY GRANDMOTHER, MOM'S LAST LIVING PARENT AND UNKNOWN AT THE TIME MY LAST LIVING GRANDPARENT, HAD A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK AND SYSTEM WIDE ORGAN FAILURE HERE AT THE HOUSE IN OUR ARMS AND WE CALLED THE AMBULANCE. RONDA'S MOM, GLENDA, SAW THE MIDNIGHT COMMOTION AND CALLED ME TO ASK IF WE WERE OKEY AND IF I NEEDED RONDA'S HELP. EVEN THOUGH I HAD NEVER OFFICIALLY BEEN INTRODUCED TO HER, BUT LIKED HER PARENTS AND WAS THERE FOR THEM WHEN GLENDA'S MOM DIED I SAID YES, NEEDING ANOTHER BODY TO HELP MOVE THE FURNITURE SO THE EMT'S COULD GET THE STRETCHER TO THE BEDROOM TO GET MY TUTU, AND NEEDING SOMEONE TO HELP KEEP US TOGETHER AND WATCH THE ANIMALS WHILE WE FOLLOWED THE AMBULANCE TO THE HOSPITAL AND SUBSEQUENTLY THE HELICOPTER TO THE VALLEY. THAT WAS THE DAY THE FRIENDSHIP AND TRUST STARTED. I FELT I OWED THE MENZIES FAMILY EVERYTHING FOR HELPING ME HELP MY MOM (MY DAD WAS MURDERED IN 1990 AND I AM AN ONLY CHILD SO I FELT THE WHOLE WORLD SQUARELY LANDED ON MY SHOULDERS).
AT THE TIME, I WAS DATED, RATHER ENGAGED TO A REAL ASSHOLE. I HAD BEEN WITH HIM FOR THREE AND A HALF YEARS, BUT HAD A CRUSH ON HIM SINCE FRESHMAN YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL AND IT TOOK THAT LONG TO ASK HIM TO DINNER. LET ME JUST SAY THAT AT THE TIME I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF GUY HE REALLY WAS. THREE WEEKS TO THE DAY, HE DUMPED ME WITH THE EXCUSE OF "I WASN'T GETTING OVER MY GRANDMOTHER'S DEATH FAST ENOUGH". AFTER THE MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE I HAD ENDURED FOR MONTHS, STRIKE THAT, YEARS, AND THE ESCALATION INTO PHYSICAL ABUSE IN THE FINAL YEAR, THAT'S THE END REWARD. LEFT ALONE TO DEAL WITH EVERYTHING, INCLUDING THE COLLAPSE OF MY ENGAGEMENT. LET'S JUST SAY MY ESTEEM AND CONFIDENCE WERE AT ROCK BOTTOM. I REFUSED TO DATE IN THIS COUNTY EVER AGAIN.
OVER THE NEXT SEASON AND A HALF I ENJOYED REDISCOVERING WHO I WAS AS A PERSON, AND THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE OF NOT HAVING TO ANSWER TO ANYONE BUT MYSELF. I REALLY LOVE BEING SINGLE, AND I LOVE WHO I AM WHEN I AM SINGLE...LIKEWISE I CANNOT STAND WHO I AM WHEN I AM WITH A MAN. BUT THERE COMES A TIME WHEN A PERSON REALIZES THAT THEY DON'T FEEL ATTRACTIVE TO ANYONE, PHYSICALLY, SO, ENTERS MY 'FRIEND-WITH-BENEFITS'. FOR THE BETTER PART OF 15 YEARS, WHEN WE WERE BOTH BETWEEN MATES AND 'TIMES WERE LEAN' WE WOULD GET TOGETHER FOR SOME EXTRAORDINARY EVENINGS THAT OCCASIONALLY TURNED INTO SOME EXTRAORDINARY EARLY MORNINGS. I COULD ALWAYS COUNT ON HIM FOR THAT SPECIAL KIND OF SHOULDER THAT NO ONE ELSE HAD EVER BEEN ABLE TO PROVIDE DUE TO WHATEVER STRINGS AND CONDITIONS THEY REQUIRED. THIS BOTHERED RONDA AS SHE HAD "FALLEN IN LOVE WITH ME".
NOW, MIND YOU, MOST OF MY FRIENDS FROM SCHOOL ARE GAY, AND THE REST ARE CLINICALLY NUTS...SOMETIMES THE LINE BETWEEN THE TWO ARE A LITTLE BLURRY, LOL *WINK*....IN COLLEGE I LIVED WITH THREE LESBIANS, GREAT SITUATION IF YOU ARE HETERO AND DATING LIKE I WAS, I NEVER WORRIED ABOUT MY ROOMMATES SLEEPING WITH THE SAME GUYS I DID.....THERE WERE PLENTY, TOO. NOT ONCE, NOT ONCE, DID I HAVE THE SLIGHTEST URGE TO SLEEP WITH ANY OF MY ROOMMATES, NOT BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T ATTRACTIVE, THEY WERE ALL GORGEOUS INSIDE AND OUT, BUT BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER SWUNG THAT WAY.
I DON'T HAVE BAD GAY-DAR, AS A MATTER OF FACT IT IS DEAD ON, ALWAYS HAS BEEN. PERFECT RECORD, EVERY TIME! EVEN BEFORE THE PERSON KNEW THEMSELVES, A LOT OF TIMES. WITH RONDA, I WOULD SWEAR SHE ISN'T AS GAY AS SHE WOULD LIKE EVERYONE TO BELIEVE. I THINK THAT SHE JUST HAS NEVER MET A MAN THAT MADE HER FEEL LIKE A LADY. SHE DRESSES VERY MASCULINE, REFUSES TO WEAR MAKE UP OR JEWELRY, HAS A HUNCHED BACK POSTURE, ETC. NOT REALLY PRETTY TO LOOK AT, BUT SHE HAS A WONDERFUL HEART. I DID NOT ONCE THINK SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH ME, BECAUSE I THOUGHT SHE UNDERSTOOD THAT I WASN'T GAY, AND IF I WAS I WOULD PICK SOMEONE THAT LOOKED MORE LIKE A LADY THAN SHE DOES.
IN MAY OF 2005, WE DROVE MY GRANDMOTHER'S ASHES BACK HOME TO DUNCAN, OKLAHOMA, BY WAY OF ROUTE 66, THE WAY THAT MY MOM'S FAMILY HAD MOVED TO SAN BERNARDINO, CALIFORNIA, IN 1965. WE GAVE RONDA KEYS TO OUR HOUSE, MAIL BOX, AND MY CELICA, AS WE WERE DRIVING MOM'S COROLLA. WE ASKED HER TO WATCH OUR HOUSE AND TAKE CARE OF THE DOG AND MY 15 YEAR OLD CAT, ETC. AND THAT WE WOULD KEEP IN TOUCH BY WAY OF GOOGLE GROUPS AND THE PC'S, TAKING MOM'S LAPTOP WITH US AND CONNECTING TO MY PC HERE AT HOME.
THE FOLLOWING IS WHAT I RECENTLY LEARNED, SOFT TUMMIES NEED TO QUIT READING NOW:
WHILE WE WERE GONE TO BURY MY GRANDMA'S ASHES NEXT TO MY GRANDPA'S BODY IN THE FAMILY PLOT, RONDA CONVINCED MY FRIEND-WITH-BENEFITS TO HAVE SEX WITH HER "TO SEE WHAT THE BIG DEAL WAS, AND WHY I WOULD RATHER BE WITH HIM THAN HER" COMPLETELY FORGETTING THAT I WASN'T GAY, APPARENTLY. IN HIS WORDS, "I COULDN'T GET HARD, AT ALL", "SHE WAS DRY", "IT WAS GROSS", "IT WAS LIKE FUCKING A GUY IN THE ASS". WHICH MADE ME QUESTION HOW IN THE HELL HE WOULD KNOW WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO HAVE SAME SEX INTERCOURSE, EFFECTIVELY ENDING OUR 'RELATIONSHIP'. I DISCOVERED THIS THE NIGHT I WENT TO HIS RESCUE AS THE DOCTORS HAD GIVEN HIS MOM ONE YEAR TO LIVE. THIS WAS LAST MONTH THAT HE TOLD ME THIS. THANK GOD I HADN'T BEEN WITH HIM SEXUALLY SINCE JANUARY OF 2005, HUH?
BECAUSE I HAVE FINALLY LEARNED WHERE HER HATRED OF ME HAD COME FROM, I HAVE DECIDED THAT EVERYONE THAT HAS ASKED ME AND THOSE OF YOU THAT HAD BEEN UNOBTRUSIVE IN NOT ASKING BUT STILL WONDERED WHY WE WEREN'T BEST FRIENDS ANY MORE DESERVED TO KNOW THE FULL FACTS OF THE SITUATION.
AGAIN, LET ME SAY THAT I WOULD LOVE TO JUST MOVE FORWARD AND FORGET EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED, MAYBE EVEN FORGIVE HER FOR HER BETRAYAL,BUT AS I SAID IN THE BEGINNING, I HAVE TRIED, BOTH BEFORE AND AFTER FINDING THIS OUT, AND SHE STILL REFUSES. ALL I AM LEFT TO THINK IS THAT SHE IS SO EMBARRASSED FOR HURTING ME AND BETRAYING MY TRUST THAT SHE CANNOT FORGIVE HERSELF, AND THAT IS TO BAD, BECAUSE IF THERE IS ANYTHING THAT ALL THE DEATHS I HAVE HAD AROUND ME IN THE LAST TWO YEARS HAS TAUGHT ME IS THAT LIFE IS TOOO SHORT TO HARBOR HATRED, FEAR, REGRET, AND ALL ILL FEELINGS TOWARD OUR FELLOW HUMANS.
AND, RONDA, IF YOU ARE READING THIS; I DO MISS YOU, MY FRIEND, I FORGIVE YOU AND I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MUST HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH, AND MOST OF ALL, I AM STILL HERE NEXT DOOR IF YOU WANT TO TALK AND LET THE PAST GO. I AM MORE THAN WILLING BECAUSE I DO LOVE YOU AS A SISTER, THE SAME AS I HAVE ALWAYS TOLD YOU.
WELL, TO BE HONEST, UNTIL RECENTLY I WASN'T EXACTLY SURE WHERE HER ANGER HAD ORIGINATED FROM, YOU KNOW, THE REAL REASON THAT THIS WHOLE TERRIBLE SITUATION BEGAN......NOW I KNOW, IN GRUESOME DETAIL, THAT OF COURSE I WILL SHARE, SO THOSE OF YOU WITH WEAK STOMACHS MIGHT WANT TO STOP READING HERE AND JUST KNOW THAT AT ONE TIME I CONSIDERED HER MY BEST FRIEND AND LOVED HER LIKE A SISTER, I LOVED HANGING OUT WITH HER AND SHE HELPED US TO LAUGH THROUGH THE TOUGHEST TIME OF OUR LIVES, UNTIL SHE MADE IT WORSE THAT IS....AND PLEASE BELIEVE THAT I MISS MY FRIEND, WITH ALL MY HEART AND WOULD LOVE TO MEND THE BRIDGE OF THE LAST FEW YEARS, BUT IT ISN'T IN MY HANDS, I'VE TRIED, MOM HAS TRIED, ALL OUR FRIENDS HAVE TRIED, EVEN THE SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT HAS TRIED.....SHE DOESN'T WANT TO PUT THE PAST BEHIND HER AND LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE OF LOVING OUR FELLOW HUMANS FOR ALL THE GOOD AND BAD THAT LIES WITHIN US ALL. AND FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT ARE WILLING TO READ ON, YOU WILL SEE THAT I WAS NEVER THE ONE THAT STARTED THIS, THAT I DO HAVE A TEMPER UNFORTUNATELY, & I HAVE NO 'DIPLOMACY' FILTER ON MY MOUTH.
HERE'S SOME BACK HISTORY:
IN SEPTEMBER OF 2004 MY GRANDMOTHER, MOM'S LAST LIVING PARENT AND UNKNOWN AT THE TIME MY LAST LIVING GRANDPARENT, HAD A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK AND SYSTEM WIDE ORGAN FAILURE HERE AT THE HOUSE IN OUR ARMS AND WE CALLED THE AMBULANCE. RONDA'S MOM, GLENDA, SAW THE MIDNIGHT COMMOTION AND CALLED ME TO ASK IF WE WERE OKEY AND IF I NEEDED RONDA'S HELP. EVEN THOUGH I HAD NEVER OFFICIALLY BEEN INTRODUCED TO HER, BUT LIKED HER PARENTS AND WAS THERE FOR THEM WHEN GLENDA'S MOM DIED I SAID YES, NEEDING ANOTHER BODY TO HELP MOVE THE FURNITURE SO THE EMT'S COULD GET THE STRETCHER TO THE BEDROOM TO GET MY TUTU, AND NEEDING SOMEONE TO HELP KEEP US TOGETHER AND WATCH THE ANIMALS WHILE WE FOLLOWED THE AMBULANCE TO THE HOSPITAL AND SUBSEQUENTLY THE HELICOPTER TO THE VALLEY. THAT WAS THE DAY THE FRIENDSHIP AND TRUST STARTED. I FELT I OWED THE MENZIES FAMILY EVERYTHING FOR HELPING ME HELP MY MOM (MY DAD WAS MURDERED IN 1990 AND I AM AN ONLY CHILD SO I FELT THE WHOLE WORLD SQUARELY LANDED ON MY SHOULDERS).
AT THE TIME, I WAS DATED, RATHER ENGAGED TO A REAL ASSHOLE. I HAD BEEN WITH HIM FOR THREE AND A HALF YEARS, BUT HAD A CRUSH ON HIM SINCE FRESHMAN YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL AND IT TOOK THAT LONG TO ASK HIM TO DINNER. LET ME JUST SAY THAT AT THE TIME I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF GUY HE REALLY WAS. THREE WEEKS TO THE DAY, HE DUMPED ME WITH THE EXCUSE OF "I WASN'T GETTING OVER MY GRANDMOTHER'S DEATH FAST ENOUGH". AFTER THE MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE I HAD ENDURED FOR MONTHS, STRIKE THAT, YEARS, AND THE ESCALATION INTO PHYSICAL ABUSE IN THE FINAL YEAR, THAT'S THE END REWARD. LEFT ALONE TO DEAL WITH EVERYTHING, INCLUDING THE COLLAPSE OF MY ENGAGEMENT. LET'S JUST SAY MY ESTEEM AND CONFIDENCE WERE AT ROCK BOTTOM. I REFUSED TO DATE IN THIS COUNTY EVER AGAIN.
OVER THE NEXT SEASON AND A HALF I ENJOYED REDISCOVERING WHO I WAS AS A PERSON, AND THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE OF NOT HAVING TO ANSWER TO ANYONE BUT MYSELF. I REALLY LOVE BEING SINGLE, AND I LOVE WHO I AM WHEN I AM SINGLE...LIKEWISE I CANNOT STAND WHO I AM WHEN I AM WITH A MAN. BUT THERE COMES A TIME WHEN A PERSON REALIZES THAT THEY DON'T FEEL ATTRACTIVE TO ANYONE, PHYSICALLY, SO, ENTERS MY 'FRIEND-WITH-BENEFITS'. FOR THE BETTER PART OF 15 YEARS, WHEN WE WERE BOTH BETWEEN MATES AND 'TIMES WERE LEAN' WE WOULD GET TOGETHER FOR SOME EXTRAORDINARY EVENINGS THAT OCCASIONALLY TURNED INTO SOME EXTRAORDINARY EARLY MORNINGS. I COULD ALWAYS COUNT ON HIM FOR THAT SPECIAL KIND OF SHOULDER THAT NO ONE ELSE HAD EVER BEEN ABLE TO PROVIDE DUE TO WHATEVER STRINGS AND CONDITIONS THEY REQUIRED. THIS BOTHERED RONDA AS SHE HAD "FALLEN IN LOVE WITH ME".
NOW, MIND YOU, MOST OF MY FRIENDS FROM SCHOOL ARE GAY, AND THE REST ARE CLINICALLY NUTS...SOMETIMES THE LINE BETWEEN THE TWO ARE A LITTLE BLURRY, LOL *WINK*....IN COLLEGE I LIVED WITH THREE LESBIANS, GREAT SITUATION IF YOU ARE HETERO AND DATING LIKE I WAS, I NEVER WORRIED ABOUT MY ROOMMATES SLEEPING WITH THE SAME GUYS I DID.....THERE WERE PLENTY, TOO. NOT ONCE, NOT ONCE, DID I HAVE THE SLIGHTEST URGE TO SLEEP WITH ANY OF MY ROOMMATES, NOT BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T ATTRACTIVE, THEY WERE ALL GORGEOUS INSIDE AND OUT, BUT BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER SWUNG THAT WAY.
I DON'T HAVE BAD GAY-DAR, AS A MATTER OF FACT IT IS DEAD ON, ALWAYS HAS BEEN. PERFECT RECORD, EVERY TIME! EVEN BEFORE THE PERSON KNEW THEMSELVES, A LOT OF TIMES. WITH RONDA, I WOULD SWEAR SHE ISN'T AS GAY AS SHE WOULD LIKE EVERYONE TO BELIEVE. I THINK THAT SHE JUST HAS NEVER MET A MAN THAT MADE HER FEEL LIKE A LADY. SHE DRESSES VERY MASCULINE, REFUSES TO WEAR MAKE UP OR JEWELRY, HAS A HUNCHED BACK POSTURE, ETC. NOT REALLY PRETTY TO LOOK AT, BUT SHE HAS A WONDERFUL HEART. I DID NOT ONCE THINK SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH ME, BECAUSE I THOUGHT SHE UNDERSTOOD THAT I WASN'T GAY, AND IF I WAS I WOULD PICK SOMEONE THAT LOOKED MORE LIKE A LADY THAN SHE DOES.
IN MAY OF 2005, WE DROVE MY GRANDMOTHER'S ASHES BACK HOME TO DUNCAN, OKLAHOMA, BY WAY OF ROUTE 66, THE WAY THAT MY MOM'S FAMILY HAD MOVED TO SAN BERNARDINO, CALIFORNIA, IN 1965. WE GAVE RONDA KEYS TO OUR HOUSE, MAIL BOX, AND MY CELICA, AS WE WERE DRIVING MOM'S COROLLA. WE ASKED HER TO WATCH OUR HOUSE AND TAKE CARE OF THE DOG AND MY 15 YEAR OLD CAT, ETC. AND THAT WE WOULD KEEP IN TOUCH BY WAY OF GOOGLE GROUPS AND THE PC'S, TAKING MOM'S LAPTOP WITH US AND CONNECTING TO MY PC HERE AT HOME.
THE FOLLOWING IS WHAT I RECENTLY LEARNED, SOFT TUMMIES NEED TO QUIT READING NOW:
WHILE WE WERE GONE TO BURY MY GRANDMA'S ASHES NEXT TO MY GRANDPA'S BODY IN THE FAMILY PLOT, RONDA CONVINCED MY FRIEND-WITH-BENEFITS TO HAVE SEX WITH HER "TO SEE WHAT THE BIG DEAL WAS, AND WHY I WOULD RATHER BE WITH HIM THAN HER" COMPLETELY FORGETTING THAT I WASN'T GAY, APPARENTLY. IN HIS WORDS, "I COULDN'T GET HARD, AT ALL", "SHE WAS DRY", "IT WAS GROSS", "IT WAS LIKE FUCKING A GUY IN THE ASS". WHICH MADE ME QUESTION HOW IN THE HELL HE WOULD KNOW WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO HAVE SAME SEX INTERCOURSE, EFFECTIVELY ENDING OUR 'RELATIONSHIP'. I DISCOVERED THIS THE NIGHT I WENT TO HIS RESCUE AS THE DOCTORS HAD GIVEN HIS MOM ONE YEAR TO LIVE. THIS WAS LAST MONTH THAT HE TOLD ME THIS. THANK GOD I HADN'T BEEN WITH HIM SEXUALLY SINCE JANUARY OF 2005, HUH?
BECAUSE I HAVE FINALLY LEARNED WHERE HER HATRED OF ME HAD COME FROM, I HAVE DECIDED THAT EVERYONE THAT HAS ASKED ME AND THOSE OF YOU THAT HAD BEEN UNOBTRUSIVE IN NOT ASKING BUT STILL WONDERED WHY WE WEREN'T BEST FRIENDS ANY MORE DESERVED TO KNOW THE FULL FACTS OF THE SITUATION.
AGAIN, LET ME SAY THAT I WOULD LOVE TO JUST MOVE FORWARD AND FORGET EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED, MAYBE EVEN FORGIVE HER FOR HER BETRAYAL,BUT AS I SAID IN THE BEGINNING, I HAVE TRIED, BOTH BEFORE AND AFTER FINDING THIS OUT, AND SHE STILL REFUSES. ALL I AM LEFT TO THINK IS THAT SHE IS SO EMBARRASSED FOR HURTING ME AND BETRAYING MY TRUST THAT SHE CANNOT FORGIVE HERSELF, AND THAT IS TO BAD, BECAUSE IF THERE IS ANYTHING THAT ALL THE DEATHS I HAVE HAD AROUND ME IN THE LAST TWO YEARS HAS TAUGHT ME IS THAT LIFE IS TOOO SHORT TO HARBOR HATRED, FEAR, REGRET, AND ALL ILL FEELINGS TOWARD OUR FELLOW HUMANS.
AND, RONDA, IF YOU ARE READING THIS; I DO MISS YOU, MY FRIEND, I FORGIVE YOU AND I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MUST HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH, AND MOST OF ALL, I AM STILL HERE NEXT DOOR IF YOU WANT TO TALK AND LET THE PAST GO. I AM MORE THAN WILLING BECAUSE I DO LOVE YOU AS A SISTER, THE SAME AS I HAVE ALWAYS TOLD YOU.